Lee Nelson's Well Crap Show...!

There comes a time at least once or twice a Year (though more than likely the time in question comes along every other week) when something turns up on the Television that just irritates me to the point of insanity!!! This leads to anger, then the tearing of Hair, followed by more anger, a little bit of intense weeping, and finally the purchase of a double barrelled shotgun!! People are shot, the Police cart me away, throw me into a Cell for 24 Hours, then release me with a warning and tell me not to do it again (oooh, satire!).

This Weeks murderous rampage was caused by none other than Lee Nelson’s Well Good Show (BBC Three), a Show with a title so ironic, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the Producers only chose it so that poncy little t**ts like me could use it to slag off their awful mess of a show.

Actor & Writer Simon Brodkin stars as Lee Nelson, a happy-go-lucky Chav who presents this studio based trash, playing pointless and uninteresting games with the audience members and telling jokes that are about as funny as falling down the stairs and landing on the sharp end of a rake that you left carelessly lying about at the bottom. Meanwhile, the Show is peppered with additional sketches featuring Brodkin in all manner of various roles, which also fail to squeeze even the slightest trickle of laughter from my reinforced gob!! Worse still is his terrible catchphrase – “Quali-ty”, which has all the finesse and cleverness of a one legged Panda about it. Worst Catchphrase ever? Probably.

Is there anything really that funny about chavs?! Sure, they’re about as dumb as...well, Chavs, but other, much more talented comedians like Catherine Tate have been there and done that. If you’re gonna do a Show based around a Chav for the sake of laughs, then at least do something original and funny with it.

The humour here revolves around Nelson just talking about either his Girlfriend getting pregnant or him getting pissed, or ‘insert any other Chav stereotype here’. You could get this kind of ‘comedy’ if you went and sat in your local pub!!! The other sketches are as equally unfunny; revolving around the kind of cheap jokes you could imagine Kids at School coming up with in the playground – resulting in characters such as out of control Footballer Jason Bent, the incompetent Doctor Bob, and Chris Young, a Holiday Rep whose idea of a good time is a hundred percent sex, drugs and booze – so basically, the sketches are written by a genetic crossbreed of both Monkey and retard!! They’re dreary, pointless, and humourless, and all they manage to do is make me even angrier that this crap was ever commissioned!!

Lee Nelson’s Well Good Show fails to live up to its namesake on so many levels – it’s crude, it’s unfunny, and it lacks in everything that makes a good Comedy Show. The Jokes don’t go anyway, the writing sucks (if you can even call it writing, when it’s plainly obvious that the content of the show was merely determined by Monkey’s flinging s**t at a wall covered in random letters of the alphabet), and as for everything else...

GGGGGRRRRRAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday Night Torture...!

Once upon a time (or if you prefer, the late 20th Century), Saturday Night Game Shows were nice, kind, enjoyable Shows, the kind of thing that evoked warmth amongst those that gathered around the talking telly box to bask in the glory of that week’s edition of The Generation Game, the kind of shows that encouraged teamwork, cooperation and good ol’ fun.

Now, however, here in the 21st Century, things are much more different. And like most things nowadays, things are also a lot crueller. Hence why the Beeb is now obsessed with creating Game Shows that encourage cruelty, torture and backstabbing, as opposed to teamwork, cooperation and good ol’ fun. Game Shows that require contestants to humiliate themselves and each other...for big Cash Prizes!!! It’s just a step below self mutilation.

101 Ways to leave a Game Show (BBC1) is one of the latest Torture Shows to make its way onto terrestrial TV, and by gum, whoever commissioned this definitely has a taste for the wicked (as in evil, not as in the long running West End Musical).

Picture it – Eight Test Subjects...er, I mean Contestants, are forced to answer a multiple choice question, each choosing a different potential answer. With their Answer chosen, the poor, unsuspecting lab monkeys, er, contestants are then strapped into various potential death traps, ranging from being thrown off of a high building in a shopping trolley to being flipped over the back of an Armchair into a Swimming Pool. I’m not making this up!! The one who gets the question wrong gets the boot...off the roof or into the pool.

Now normally I’d be raving about a Show like this. But perhaps this Week my sadistic side has been weakened by too much Ice Cream. Because I honestly found 101 Ways to leave a Game Show perhaps a bit too sadistic for my taste. I’m sure some people out there get a kick out of seeing an overweight middle aged woman who suffers badly from vertigo get thrown off the high building into a freezing cold swimming pool, but those people must also surely enjoy going out at night to kick puppies and murder prostitutes!!

It doesn’t help that you’ve got king of the gloating, big headed arseholes (AKA Steve Jones) presenting the Show, making the contestants weep in fear just before he presses the button that sends to the swimming pool 100 feet below (as well as an early grave). Jones has all the personality of a wart on Hitler’s Bum Cheek, and whenever words come out of his ugly mouth, I just find myself sitting there, wishing the big useless lump would trip and tumble off the top of the 101 Building!!

If you’re a serial killer or Jigsaw from the Saw Movie Franchise, then this will be right up you’re alleyway. If you’re a self respecting, normal member of society, then you may have a bit of a laugh whilst watching, but afterwards you will no doubt feel a pang of extreme guilt tearing at you’re guts!!

And that’s exactly what you deserve...!

Animal Magic...!

Puppets have been a mainstay on British Television for Years – Spitting Image, Thunderbirds, Rainbow and Dale Winton to name but a few. But not since Spitting Image has there been a Comedy Puppet Series that has actually been, well, funny.

Thankfully the good ol’ digital Beeb has come up with the goods, resulting in Mongrels (BBC Three), the latest Sitcom from the Kings of Crap Comedy. Praise the Gods though, that for once, BBC Three has obviously tried something different, resulting in an actual decent Sitcom.

The Plotline? A Dog, a Cat, a Pigeon, and a Fox hang out in a dirty alleyway behind a Pub. Hilarity ensures. But don’t let the simplicity of the whole thing make you turn off the TV and go outside to get some fresh air. Less is more, resulting in a rather hilarious Sitcom, something you don’t see enough of on BBC Three (or any channel for that matter).

The puppetry is superb, as is the voice acting and the production design. Everything has a rather disgusting look to it, appropriate for a Show that’s so disgusting in its humour. But thankfully the humour on display is actually quite laugh out loud funny.

OK, the humour is actually rather basic (to the point that it completely copies Family Guy’s style of comedy, from the random cut scenes to the constant tidal wave of Jew jokes), but I’ll forgive it this once because seeing a Jewish man fighting a Badger Puppet with a Pitchfork is possibly one of the funniest images I’ve seen this Year, if not my entire life.

There’s also the huge controversy regarding the Show’s resemblance to Pets, a 2001 Puppet Sitcom for Channel 4, but then again, I never watched Pets, and I won’t be watching it any time soon.

So, if filthy comedy is up your street, and you still sit at home with your Thunderbird 2 Model and a Sooty glove puppet, then Mongrels will be right up your street. Yes it’s hardly original, and yes Katy Brand is in it, which makes me want to hurl my guts up, but thankfully the great writing and puppet design more than make up for it. If BBC Three carries on churning out felt gold like this, they’ll be onto a winner.

Guess no one’s pulling their strings, eh? Eh? Anyone, eh? Oh, fine, whatever...!

Guilty as Thieves...!

Praise ITV. Praise them to the heavens for being the masters of original, entertaining programming!!! Praise them for their latest, super-duper original Monday Night Drama Identity (ITV1), which is sooooo original that I’m just wetting myself talking about it.

Thus ends the sarcastic bit.

Straight to the point, Identity is flat out unoriginal (ironic really, what with that Title). Focussing on an Identity Theft Investigation Team with no personality (and no acting skills either), the Show follows them as they investigate...well, identity theft. And that’s pretty much all the plot there is. I know, hardly riveting stuff.

Bland is the best word for this piece of sleep inducing despair. It tries so desperately to be like Spooks in a bid to at least be visually engrossing. Sadly, even that fails miserably, a bit like Katie Price’s singing career, thanks largely due to flat and lazy direction.

Normally in a case like this, you at least have a talented Cast trying to keep things afloat. Sadly, someone seems to have stolen all the decent actors in Britain. Hence Aidan Gillen as the lead Character, whose name I can’t be bothered to even learn, an Actor who can’t seem to decide which crappy accent to use. Honestly, I can’t tell whether his character’s Irish, American, Martian or a collection of all three. As for charisma...hell, it looks as though someone filched that as well. Damn thieves!!!

Ashes to Ashes star Keeley Hawes is also on hand as the lead Female Character whose own identity appears to have been stolen (along with her personality). I really don’t understand why she does this!! She pulls out all the stops as an actress in top notch stuff like Spooks, but then goes and gives a lazy performance in rubbish like this!!! Maybe she just read the script and thought that it wasn’t worth the effort!!!

Script wise it’s a mess. The Science and Technology on display is fresh out of the good ol’ book of CSI: Whatever gobbledegook, whilst trying to understand the main plotline is as impossible a task as trying to squeeze orange juice out of a Bull. Something to do with a super intelligent Teenager, I think (a huge jump of logic if ever there was one)!!! Whoever wrote this needs to steal some decent plot ideas, me thinks!!

Basically, Identity lacks everything a High Concept Primetime Drama should have – decent plot, decent acting...hell, decent everything!!! Down to basics, it’s guilty of identity theft, just like pretty much everything else on ITV these days!!

Now, how about ITV go steal themselves a truly original idea?!

Who goes there...?

And so another series of Doctor Who (BBC1) reaches its conclusion. Watching as a general viewer, the Show has been entertaining, engrossing and enjoyable. However the Whovian within me stirs violently. As enjoyable as the Fifth Season has been, there’s a few little niggles (yes, I used the word ‘niggle’ in a serious sentence) that have perhaps left me questioning my enjoyment of this Series. Doctor Who is my all time favourite TV Show to the extent that I once told a Girlfriend to get off the phone to me because Doctor Who was starting (the relationship ended soon after that, in a rather violent manner as well). A new Head Writer, new Production Team, and a new Cast, including a new Doctor meant this new Season was going to have to work harder than ever to not only please the existing Fan-base, but also bring in the newbie’s. Instead of my usual rant, here’s my wish list and to-do list for Season Six:

1. First of all, Death!! Series Five has been pretty much bloodless, with a grand total of fifteen deaths this Series (not including characters that have returned to life)!! FIFTEEN?!!! Compared to previous Seasons, the Body Count this Season has been more than halved!!! C’mon, this is Doctor Who. Not a Children’s Show on Cbeebies. It thrives upon death and gruesome stuff, and taking that out of the equation is like neutering a Dog you’ve just bought to breed with your other Dog!! Is Steven Moffat afraid of writing nasty things now he’s in charge?!! He needs to get over it and kill some people properly on screen, and fast!!!

2. Sex (god, this wish-list is beginning to get X-rated). Season Five is best described as the Series that got raunchy, and whilst I love to laugh at innuendo and sex jokes as much as the next guy, this type of humour just doesn’t fit well within Who. Perhaps for Season Six they can cut down on the innuendo and try come up with some more clever jokes.

3. Matt Smith!! Brilliant Actor. Excellent choice to play the new Doctor. Keep him. Nuff said.

4. Scale!! The Stories this Year seemed to lack scale compared to previous Years, especially the Series Finale The Big Bang, which had promised to be a huge, powerful, dramatic Finale, but ultimately came across as an average Episode that could have easily been placed anywhere in the Season. Enjoyable stuff, but lacking that extra something that makes Doctor Who a cut above other TV Series!! Up the scale and take some risks next Series, and we’ll be guaranteed some fantastic Television Drama.

5. Story Arc. This year the running storyline of the Cracks in the Universe and the Pandorica was solid storytelling, but was too forced. A bit more subtlety next year would be nice, we Viewers aren’t brain dead!!

6. And finally, Monsters!! How about a whole Season WITHOUT the Daleks coming back. They’ve become overused, and what with the new Daleks being introduced this Year, perhaps giving the Skaro nasties a Year off will surely do them more good. Build up their return and make Viewers desperate for their return. Instead, how about a whole Season of entirely new Enemies, or maybe a few returnees in the form of recent Monsters and Enemies, like the Dream Lord, or the Weeping Angels. C’mon, it worked during the Tom Baker Years...

So there we go. It’s out of my system. I’ve complained about this new Season of Doctor Who enough now. So I’m now going straight to BBC IPlayer to watch every Episode of Series Five again!!

What?! I’m a Fan, I’m allowed to complain and contradict myself...!

Back in my Day...!

CONFESSION TIME: I watch Cartoons. And not just ‘Adult’ cartoons, like Family Guy or South Park. No, I mean proper Cartoons. The stuff they show on Cartoon Network, Disney XD and the CBBC Channel. Yes, my inner child is alive within me, and he’s desperately trying to tear himself out of my outer child (i.e. me)!!! I am a BIG Kid!!

Sadly, like any older person, I find myself watching the latest televisual offerings for the likkle kiddywinklets and raising my nose in disgust!! There’s no love and care in Cartoons anymore, save for the odd one in about a million, and they usually get cancelled before their time anyways (see the Brilliant Spectacular Spider-Man series)!! Fart Jokes and bad puns make not a great animated series for Kids, and whenever I even smell the foul whiff of Toilet Humour within a Kid’s TV Show, I end up throwing my TV out of the Window, screaming loud, nasty words that Children should never hear until they’re about 18 Years Old!!

Hence, why, dearest Reader, I’ve been forced to turn to the divine one that is DVD to get my 90’s nostalgia fix!! And the Show that is currently making me feel like a happy eight year old again is...Batman: the Animated Series. A true gem of a Children’s Cartoon that deserves a place in every Animation Fan, Comic Book Geek, fun loving Adult and tiny Child’s DVD Collection. Why, you wonder?! Well, because IT’S JUST SO BLOOMING GOOD!!!!

Created by animation legend Bruce Timm, Batman was, and still is, unlike any Cartoon before it. A brilliantly pulpy action adventure series, the Show wiped away memories of the camp 60’s Batman Series with Adam West, and cemented Batman as the coolest and darkest Superhero knocking about.

Cleverly styled so as to resemble a mish-mash of 1930’s and futuristic technology, the Series has a real timeless quality about its look. Oh, and it’s dark. Really dark. Not just in terms of the storylines and characters, but in terms of animation and backgrounds. Watch it in the dark to get the best possible picture quality!!

As for the storylines – well, a rocky couple of Episodes are to be expected, but Batman: TAS isn’t one for making rubbish Episodes. On Leather Wings. Nothing to Fear. Appointment in Crime Alley. Feat of Clay. Almost Got ‘Im. Harley & Ivy. These are just a few of the fantastic Episodes, that not only present great and bold original storytelling, but also fantastic animation, voiceovers and design. And I can’t even bring myself to not mention the Emmy-Award Winning Fan Favourite Heart of Ice, which is possibly the greatest 20 Minutes of Television ever!!!

The Show’s influence is still felt today, in every single Superhero Animated Series, from Justice League to Ben 10 to The Spectacular Spider-Man. There’s nothing else like it!!! You could so easily show this at 9pm on a Weekday Night, and Adults would take to it like Flies to a Wall. It’s a true piece of brilliance that should be re-run on every channel, bought on DVD and treasured forever!!!

Thank God for my inner child!! Now, where’s that Superglue for me to eat?!

Oh Brother...!

When the great Historians of the future come to write the complete history of the entire 21st Century, let’s pray to God that they wisely choose to leave out the words: ‘Big’ and ‘Brother’. OK, perhaps not at every mention, otherwise sentences such as “The 21st Century was very Big” and “You better believe it, Brother” will be left quite redundant. But a combination of those two words, to describe a rather long running, over-hyped crappy reality Television Series? Let’s hope the Boffins of the future choose to gloss over that particular aspect of 21st Century culture!!

In this Critic’s opinion, it’s about bloody time that the makers of Big Brother (C4) finally saw sense and kicked the Show’s own bucket!! What was once an original, clever, interesting TV Experiment has slowly devolved into a big, damn dirty Ape of a TV Car Crash. And as for the ‘contestants’ (by which I mean ‘Freaks’)...well, all one can say is that evolution decided not to bother with their particular Gene Pool.

With this current Series of BB being the LAST EVER (we can but hope), the Producers have pulled out all the stops to ensure that the Series is one to remember. In some cases, it actually works. The House design is cleverly intricate, all see through Walls and uncomfortable furniture, supposedly designed to psychologically effect the poor housemates, although it’s probably more likely that the designer did so just to make it look pretty. The Carnival theme this series is also creepy and unsettling, enough to make even the most hardboiled of folk cower in fear beneath the Sofa (that’s only if they have an uncontrollable fear of Clowns)!! And the decision to select the Housemates on the actual night was also a rather good idea, although it did mean we had to endure looking at seventy-odd disappointed weirdoes for nearly an Hour and a half, a prospect more sickening then watching John McCririck make love!!

As for the Housemates though – well, let’s hope the U.S Military accidently launch a fully primed Nuke in their direction soon. Much like the elements mentioned above, it feels like the producer’s have gone all out to deliver as many misfits, freaks, weirdoes and arseholes as is humanly possible. Shame there’s no one really interesting in there this Year. Their so bland and boring, there’s actually no one in there for me to full-on hate!!! Seriously, I despise them all, but there seems to be a complete lack of complete arseholes in there this Year. It’s as if they’ve exhausted Britain’s supply of arrogant t**ts!!!

That said, there’s still enough idiots in there to make me spit some venom – top of my ‘must kill’ list is posh git Ben, who drags his arse across the carpet like a fat, arrogant overfed poodle who thinks he’s god’s gift to everything; Dave, who’s basically a useless drunken tubby Christian minister who CAN’T. STOP. F***ING. LAUGHING; loudmouth squatter Shabby, a failed punk filmmaker who had me thinking she was a bloke for the first 15 Minutes; and spoilt medical student Sunshine, who just brings out my sociopathic side just by talking!! Elsewhere, there’s a Jordan lookalike, a Beckham lookalike, and a Beyonce lookalike (basically, three people with no personality so they have to steal someone else’s), a poor War Veteran who has just been put in to be a walking freakshow, and a random contestant who has to dress up as a Mole!!!

As always, the latest instalment of Big Brother turns out to be more of the same: a walking, talking carnival freakshow, a glass cage for us perfect folk to point and laugh at the monkeys within!! As phenomenal and controversial as it has been in the past, there’s no doubt that its imminent demise couldn’t have come any sooner. Who knows, maybe Satan will wake up one morning and decide to do something really evil, and resurrect the goddamned franchise, streaming on every channel, 24 hours a day!! So make the most of it till then. Maybe start writing that ‘Complete History of the 21st Century’?!

Just make sure you don’t mention the word’s Big Brother...!