Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Oh Brother...!

When the great Historians of the future come to write the complete history of the entire 21st Century, let’s pray to God that they wisely choose to leave out the words: ‘Big’ and ‘Brother’. OK, perhaps not at every mention, otherwise sentences such as “The 21st Century was very Big” and “You better believe it, Brother” will be left quite redundant. But a combination of those two words, to describe a rather long running, over-hyped crappy reality Television Series? Let’s hope the Boffins of the future choose to gloss over that particular aspect of 21st Century culture!!

In this Critic’s opinion, it’s about bloody time that the makers of Big Brother (C4) finally saw sense and kicked the Show’s own bucket!! What was once an original, clever, interesting TV Experiment has slowly devolved into a big, damn dirty Ape of a TV Car Crash. And as for the ‘contestants’ (by which I mean ‘Freaks’)...well, all one can say is that evolution decided not to bother with their particular Gene Pool.

With this current Series of BB being the LAST EVER (we can but hope), the Producers have pulled out all the stops to ensure that the Series is one to remember. In some cases, it actually works. The House design is cleverly intricate, all see through Walls and uncomfortable furniture, supposedly designed to psychologically effect the poor housemates, although it’s probably more likely that the designer did so just to make it look pretty. The Carnival theme this series is also creepy and unsettling, enough to make even the most hardboiled of folk cower in fear beneath the Sofa (that’s only if they have an uncontrollable fear of Clowns)!! And the decision to select the Housemates on the actual night was also a rather good idea, although it did mean we had to endure looking at seventy-odd disappointed weirdoes for nearly an Hour and a half, a prospect more sickening then watching John McCririck make love!!

As for the Housemates though – well, let’s hope the U.S Military accidently launch a fully primed Nuke in their direction soon. Much like the elements mentioned above, it feels like the producer’s have gone all out to deliver as many misfits, freaks, weirdoes and arseholes as is humanly possible. Shame there’s no one really interesting in there this Year. Their so bland and boring, there’s actually no one in there for me to full-on hate!!! Seriously, I despise them all, but there seems to be a complete lack of complete arseholes in there this Year. It’s as if they’ve exhausted Britain’s supply of arrogant t**ts!!!

That said, there’s still enough idiots in there to make me spit some venom – top of my ‘must kill’ list is posh git Ben, who drags his arse across the carpet like a fat, arrogant overfed poodle who thinks he’s god’s gift to everything; Dave, who’s basically a useless drunken tubby Christian minister who CAN’T. STOP. F***ING. LAUGHING; loudmouth squatter Shabby, a failed punk filmmaker who had me thinking she was a bloke for the first 15 Minutes; and spoilt medical student Sunshine, who just brings out my sociopathic side just by talking!! Elsewhere, there’s a Jordan lookalike, a Beckham lookalike, and a Beyonce lookalike (basically, three people with no personality so they have to steal someone else’s), a poor War Veteran who has just been put in to be a walking freakshow, and a random contestant who has to dress up as a Mole!!!

As always, the latest instalment of Big Brother turns out to be more of the same: a walking, talking carnival freakshow, a glass cage for us perfect folk to point and laugh at the monkeys within!! As phenomenal and controversial as it has been in the past, there’s no doubt that its imminent demise couldn’t have come any sooner. Who knows, maybe Satan will wake up one morning and decide to do something really evil, and resurrect the goddamned franchise, streaming on every channel, 24 hours a day!! So make the most of it till then. Maybe start writing that ‘Complete History of the 21st Century’?!

Just make sure you don’t mention the word’s Big Brother...!

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