Rule Britannia...!

God, where have I been?!! Have I been in a coma for the last couple of weeks, only awakening to eat, empty my intestines and hurl abuse at a bunch of famous people who don’t even know I exist? Why did no one tell me that Britain’s Got Talent (ITV1) was back on?!!!! Honest to god, I’m genuinely devastated by this!! Not because I planned on tuning in, but because I now have hardly any time to get together my Rations Pack!! And my underground, airtight bunker is a bloody mess!! How am I supposed to hide away from civilization in a shithole like that?!! Anyone interested in a cleaning job? Long Hours, perfect for people who love dank, dark places, and all the cold Tinned Soup you could eat. Any takers...? No?

But back to my rant. I was actually genuinely unaware that BGT was back for a new series. Seriously, if it hadn’t been for all the Ad Break Bumpers, Trailers, Web Ads, annoying screaming Teens who have less brains then they do...hell, anything, I genuinely wouldn’t have noticed the return of ITV's Ratings Juggernaut!! God have mercy on my soul if I didn’t tune in for it!! May God smite me down with Thunder and Lightning dare I ignore the phenomenon that is so obviously more important than Food, Sex or breathing!!!

Truth is I hate this time of year!! Britain’s Got Arseholes pretty much puts me in a bad mood to the level that if I see a cute, defenceless Kitten cross my path, I will literally pounce upon it and scream at it and throw it to a huge, rabid Dog that’s been starved for days!! And then once the Kitten has been devoured, I’ll get started on the Dog, and then it’s owner, and then the Owner’s Neighbour, and so on, until everyone is dead!! That’s how pissed off Britain’s got Chavs makes me feel!! Don’t judge me, or you’re next!!! RARGH!!!

Honestly though, Britain’s got some kind of fungal infection seriously narks me off. I fail to see the appeal in watching three talentless Judges with sticks so far up their arse there’s apples growing out their gobs telling poor deluded people that they fail at life and should do the world a favour and end it all, preferably live on stage, right there, right now!!!

C’mon, agree with me here!!! The Judging panel on the show are a bloody joke!! There’s Simon Cowell, who pisses me off just by existing, a smug git at the best of times, a man so aware that he is being likened to God by so many brainless monkeys that he most likely struts around his Mansions in a fake beard and white robes, clutching plastic thunderbolts!! Then there’s Amanda Holden, who makes me want to set fire to her ugly plastic Barbie face every time she smiles, talks or pretends to cry!! As for her judging talent...! Bloody hell, that’s a leap!! Seriously, what right does she have to judge talent when her only talent is to look like one of those blow-up sex dolls!! And as for Piers Morgan!! Hell, why not just get Satan himself to judge the contestants; he’ll be hell of a lot nicer than Morgan...and he’ll also be much easier on the eye!!

It’s car-crash TV at the best of times. I half expect a huge fiery wreckage and at least 5 bloody, burning corpses to appear out of nowhere. The Contestants are deluded at the best of times, to the point of embarrassment!! Embarrassment at being part of the same species as those mindless freaks!! No clear winners as of yet, but undoubtedly it’ll be won by a Singer or a Dancer, so if you’re not one of them, then there’s really no point bothering to audition!!

I will admit, watching a bunch of talentless, big headed schmucs audition does occasionally tempt a laugh out of my grim, bastard exterior!! But I always feel guilty afterwards!! This type of TV Show is pure freak show, and it depresses me that this is potentially the future of all Television!! Imagine it – 24 Hour Reality/Talent Shows, nonstop!! Not one decent Documentary or Drama or Sitcom in the entire schedule (saying that, at least we’ll get Life of Riley off our screens for good)!! It could happen, and it’s all down to us, watching this show week-in like followers at a church!! Hell, Simon Cowell seems to be setting himself and his so called ‘original format’ up as a new Religion altogether!!

Pure Entertainment? Not really. Cheap, Hypnotic Crap?! Indeed. If you can, avoid this Show as much as possible. Don’t get sucked in. Do so and no doubt you will soon be dressing like Simon Cowell and attending secret Cult meetings in which you and several other entranced couch apes gather round a Telly showcasing the latest Episode of Britain’s Got Fleas, whilst stuffing your face with plain crackers and masturbating uncontrollably!! It could happen!!! You have been warned!!

This Week here at TV Wasteland, I'm introducing an additional recommendation for every thing I slag off, or something to avoid if I say nice things!! This Week, TV Wasteland recommends Charlie Brooker's You Have Been Watching (C4). It 's basically a very funny piss take of the latest Telly. If you read this Blog, then this should be your Cup of Tea. Or Coffee. Or Ice Tea. Or...oh, forget it!!!

FFFIIIGGGHHHTTT...!

Every now and then, there comes a moment when History is made. The extinction of the Dinosaurs, World War I, World War II, the Watergate Scandal, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the release of Star Wars. All moments of significant importance, that should quite rightly be remembered forever. And the latest to join the ranks of significant events is none other than The First Election Debate (ITV1). Hardly first class entertainment, but a moment that should quite rightly be documented and archived for all future generations to see. That’s unless the Alien Invasion is imminent, in which case, save the recordings of Tom Baker’s entire run of Doctor Who first (don’t look at me like that. They are most definitely more deserving).

I’m not a highly political person. I can barely remember the name of our Prime Minister, for Christ’s sake (Brown summink or other, I think). Yet despite having about as much political know how as a group of Politicians (SATIRE!!!), even I felt obliged to tune in and watch TV History in the making. And I also felt obliged to tune in just in case it all kicked off, resulting in David Cameron beating Gordon Brown to death with his own Microphone, whilst Brown tries in vain to strangle Cameron with his own ugly, vomit inducing Blue Tie, as Nick Clegg silently watches from the sidelines, rubbing his hands with glee at the sight of seeing his greatest enemies finish each other off in gory fashion!! Sadly, I was robbed of this Television Extravaganza, and instead had to endure a whole 90 Minutes of straight talking. Talking?!!! TALKING?!!!! Bloody hell, next they’ll be shaking hands and start being civil towards one another!! OH GOD, THEY’VE ONLY GONE AND BLOODY DONE THAT AS WELL!!!

Let’s be honest. It was hardly the most exciting TV Event of this Year. Important, yes. But enjoyable?! Hardly. You will no doubt argue that it achieved what it set out to do, and I’m not disagreeing with you. But in terms of entertainment value, it was hardly the Dog’s Bollocks, was it?! Hell, it wasn’t even worthy of being the Ant’s Bollocks, and as far as I know, they don’t even have any!!!

Instead of a full on debate, it was all above board, controlled and sleep inducing!! My God, if Cameron tells one more bloody story about who he met whilst campaigning, I’m gonna bloody march over to Westminster and let his Arse meet my Steel Toe-Capped Boot!!! As for Brown, whilst coming across more friendly and likeable then recent Interviews and News Footage would have you believe, there’s still no getting away from his sheer lack of common sense!! Nick Clegg on the other hand, came across brilliantly, giving the Lib-Dems a much needed and brilliant moment in the limelight (other Political Parties are available), and proved himself a worthy challenger to Laurel and Hardy, who happened to be standing next to him throughout entire the debate (SATIRE!!!).

Planning on voting in the General Election?!! Well, heed my advice and don’t base your judgement upon this!! It’s all Spin, albeit well performed Spin, but Spin none the less. As I said, I’m hardly political, but seriously, I know not to base my choices upon what I see on the Talking Box!! Entertainment wise, avoid this, it will melt your brain to the point that you will become a walking Hot Drinks dispenser, dispensing Hot, Thick Liquid from your Ears when someone squeezes your nose!! If you must watch (you know, to like, decide who to vote for and shit) then take a tip from me (and my Friends, who are all so much more cleverer then me to came up with this), and liven things up with a Drinking Game!! Every time Cameron bullshits, every time Brown stutters, every time Clegg gets angry, every time an argument starts to arise and is instantly quelled, then swig a few shots!! Trust me, by 30 Minutes in, you’ll think you’re an American Patriot living in the 18th Century!! And you will feel all the better because of it!!

Don't be such a Dorothy...!

Saturday Nights are the Holy Day of Television. They always have been and always will. Anyone who knows me will tell you that to see me out and about early on a Saturday Evening is about as plausible as the idea of Gandhi turning out to be a malicious time travelling serial killer who secretly and efficiently murdered prostitutes on the mean streets of London back in the 19th Century. Saturdays are sumptuous, and within the Saturday TV schedules there’s always something that can only be described as ‘miss me not TV’!!! Doctor Who. Merlin. Robin Hood. Total Wipeout. Saturday Night Takeaway. These are just a few of the most recent Saturday Night successes to dominate our screens, and all are brilliant!! But sadly, amongst the few specks of TV Gold Dust are countless spores of deadly Anthrax!!! Television shows so lethal that just watching a mere second of them will leave the viewer a cold, broken, mindless husk, incapable of speech or thought. Hence why I am now sitting comatose in a special Wheelchair, my clothes drenched in my own drool, whilst a super intelligent Chimpanzee writes this and pretends to be me...Banana-Banana-Banana, ooh ahh ahh ahh!!!

The latest clunker to force itself upon the Saturday Schedules like a fat, drunken sex offender upon an unsuspecting young woman in a pub is Over the Rainbow (BBC1), the latest of Musical legend Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s search for a new West End Musical Star. This time he’s searching for a Dorothy (but not that kind. Bad luck, John Barrowman!!) for his Musical production of The Wizard of Oz. So he’s kidnapped a bunch of talented yet ordinary young women, dressed them up in all manner of sexy Outfits, and forces them to sing live on BBC One for Millions to see, before eventually evicting the weakest singer, sending them to an executioner waiting silently off screen wielding an Axe!!

OK, so maybe that isn’t entirely true. But it’s the only way to make this Show sound interesting. I’m not a hater of Musical Theatre. In fact I adore it, but this Show merely cheapens the entire Theatre Industry by turning the production of a Theatre Production into a weekly bitch fight, as fame hungry lasses battle it out for King Gollum’s approval, not giving a toss about who is voted off that particular week, just as long as it isn’t them. That said, they prove themselves brilliant actresses –when a potential rival is voted out, all the remaining contestants manage to cry crocodile tears on cue...someone give them an Oscar. Or at least a Hanky!!

There is genuine Singing Talent on display here. All the Finalists are talented to the point that they may eventually become ‘too talented’ and MI:5 will have to dispatch highly trained Assassins to ‘quiet them down’. However, the Show is let down by dreadful choices in terms of the Judging Panel!! Anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to have Charlotte Church judging people on their singing abilities deserves to die an agonizing death involving Lions and Explosives, whilst Webber is a miserable git, although that may be because any attempt at smiling will pull his ugly, fragile face apart at the seams.

Saturday Night TV is for Entertainment and Enjoyment. This Show sadly hardly delivers either. It’s a mockery of the Theatre Industry (the General Public cannot be trusted to vote for brilliant singers, just look at the Jedward fiasco during last year’s X-Factor) and in terms of Entertainment Value, lacks any hint of originality or appeal. The Talent Show controlled by the Public Format is an idea that’s been done to death now, not just by the BBC but by every single bloody TV Channel desperate for easy Ratings!!

Please BBC, come up with something fun and original, and give me my Saturday’s back. Otherwise I’m gonna have to go out and socialise with people. And neither of us wants that...!

Shut the Damn Door...!

Regular Readers (so that’s all four of you) of this Blog may remember a few weeks ago, in the middle of a huge rant about boring, samey old Gameshows, that I pitched my own idea for a Gameshow, involving contestants facing their fears and horribly mutilating themselves, all for big cash prizes!! Well, they’ve only gone and bloody made it, haven’t they?!! The Door (ITV1) is the result of my twisted genius!! Obviously they’ve toned it down somewhat, but the basic concept is still there. I think I need to get my Lawyer on the Phone. On second thoughts, I think I need to get a Lawyer first.

But yes, back to The Door, which I must admit, despite being sceptical at first, proved to be excellent first class entertainment!! Maybe it’s the sick, twisted pleasure I got from seeing Celebs being brutally tortured (unfortunately by tortured, I really mean forced to face their fears, without any potential threat to their wellbeing whatsoever) but this show has, in my opinion, the best concept ever!! It’s not original in the slightest, but then again it is ITV we’re talking about, which hardly prides itself on its originality. God, they could have just called it Celebrity Saw and left it at that.

Still, it truly is fascinating, not just in seeing your ‘favourite’ blank faced, empty minded Z-list celebrity’s facing their greatest fears (heights, insects, clowns, Amanda Holden, etc...), but also in wondering how this even got commissioned. You feel sorry for the poor celebs on screen, but you do wonder what possessed them to even sign the contract to appear in the first place.

This brings us to the ‘talent’. So which well known and prominent famous faces have agreed to be brutally exploited for the audience’s twisted pleasure? Well, hardly anyone famous, that’s for sure. There’s Fiz from Corrie, who does prove to be an entertaining and determined contestant; good ol’ Dean Gaffney, who obviously didn’t learn much from his stint on I’m a Celeb...; some chick who used to be on Eastenders, and whose name I can’t be bothered to waste Brain Cells on; some dude from Boyzone; one of the Saturdays, who proves about as useful and entertaining as one of their Albums (I’ll give you a clue here – I’m not a fan); and finally ex-CBBC presenter Michael Underwood, one of my Childhood heroes, who still kicks ass like he did way back when!! You can guess who I was rooting for...

Sadly, the Presenters selected are hardly fitting for a show as twisted as this...in fact, their just plain dull. Firstly there’s Chris Tarrant, who looks about as thrilled to be there as much as a convicted Terrorist is to be in Guantanamo Bay!! Come on ITV, give the Man a comfy chair and a fresh glass of Orange Juice, the poor man looks exhausted just standing there, doing nothing. But seriously, if you’re aiming to create a scary, atmospheric show, at least get someone who is truly creepy to present it, not just one of your regular backbenchers!!

If Tarrant is ITV’s attempt at bringing to life Saw’s Jigsaw, then that makes co-host Amanda Holden their attempt at that creepy little Puppet!!! ‘There are some things so twisted, so horrible, so just plain weird, they should be kept locked behind closed doors’ she says at the beginning of the Show. If I didn’t know any better I’d have believed she was referring to herself. Holden is TV Trash in my opinion, the kind of talentless bint who somehow manages to get more work then she deserves. Here she comes across as a cackling witch, straight out of The Wizard of Oz, laughing with disgusting pleasure at the sight of the torture before her!! God, it’s terrifying to watch her on screen, and that’s without looking at her face, which reminds me of a shop window dummy after a kid with crayons has got at it!! Most definitely a Witch!! Quick, someone get the bucket of Water!!!!!!

Crap Presenters aside, The Door is top notch, guilty pleasure entertainment at its best. There’s plenty of action, laughs and celebs getting treated like bathroom scum to keep both adults and children entertained. Yes, it’s cheap and cheesy and unoriginal, and at times pure stupidness wrapped up with a side order of idiocy...yet there will always be something appealing about the idea of celebrities getting tortured on telly for shits and giggles!! Good show I say, bravo!!!

Now, if only we can somehow persuade Amanda Holden to take part in the next series?! Hmmmmmmm...