Tuesday, 27 April 2010

Rule Britannia...!

God, where have I been?!! Have I been in a coma for the last couple of weeks, only awakening to eat, empty my intestines and hurl abuse at a bunch of famous people who don’t even know I exist? Why did no one tell me that Britain’s Got Talent (ITV1) was back on?!!!! Honest to god, I’m genuinely devastated by this!! Not because I planned on tuning in, but because I now have hardly any time to get together my Rations Pack!! And my underground, airtight bunker is a bloody mess!! How am I supposed to hide away from civilization in a shithole like that?!! Anyone interested in a cleaning job? Long Hours, perfect for people who love dank, dark places, and all the cold Tinned Soup you could eat. Any takers...? No?

But back to my rant. I was actually genuinely unaware that BGT was back for a new series. Seriously, if it hadn’t been for all the Ad Break Bumpers, Trailers, Web Ads, annoying screaming Teens who have less brains then they do...hell, anything, I genuinely wouldn’t have noticed the return of ITV's Ratings Juggernaut!! God have mercy on my soul if I didn’t tune in for it!! May God smite me down with Thunder and Lightning dare I ignore the phenomenon that is so obviously more important than Food, Sex or breathing!!!

Truth is I hate this time of year!! Britain’s Got Arseholes pretty much puts me in a bad mood to the level that if I see a cute, defenceless Kitten cross my path, I will literally pounce upon it and scream at it and throw it to a huge, rabid Dog that’s been starved for days!! And then once the Kitten has been devoured, I’ll get started on the Dog, and then it’s owner, and then the Owner’s Neighbour, and so on, until everyone is dead!! That’s how pissed off Britain’s got Chavs makes me feel!! Don’t judge me, or you’re next!!! RARGH!!!

Honestly though, Britain’s got some kind of fungal infection seriously narks me off. I fail to see the appeal in watching three talentless Judges with sticks so far up their arse there’s apples growing out their gobs telling poor deluded people that they fail at life and should do the world a favour and end it all, preferably live on stage, right there, right now!!!

C’mon, agree with me here!!! The Judging panel on the show are a bloody joke!! There’s Simon Cowell, who pisses me off just by existing, a smug git at the best of times, a man so aware that he is being likened to God by so many brainless monkeys that he most likely struts around his Mansions in a fake beard and white robes, clutching plastic thunderbolts!! Then there’s Amanda Holden, who makes me want to set fire to her ugly plastic Barbie face every time she smiles, talks or pretends to cry!! As for her judging talent...! Bloody hell, that’s a leap!! Seriously, what right does she have to judge talent when her only talent is to look like one of those blow-up sex dolls!! And as for Piers Morgan!! Hell, why not just get Satan himself to judge the contestants; he’ll be hell of a lot nicer than Morgan...and he’ll also be much easier on the eye!!

It’s car-crash TV at the best of times. I half expect a huge fiery wreckage and at least 5 bloody, burning corpses to appear out of nowhere. The Contestants are deluded at the best of times, to the point of embarrassment!! Embarrassment at being part of the same species as those mindless freaks!! No clear winners as of yet, but undoubtedly it’ll be won by a Singer or a Dancer, so if you’re not one of them, then there’s really no point bothering to audition!!

I will admit, watching a bunch of talentless, big headed schmucs audition does occasionally tempt a laugh out of my grim, bastard exterior!! But I always feel guilty afterwards!! This type of TV Show is pure freak show, and it depresses me that this is potentially the future of all Television!! Imagine it – 24 Hour Reality/Talent Shows, nonstop!! Not one decent Documentary or Drama or Sitcom in the entire schedule (saying that, at least we’ll get Life of Riley off our screens for good)!! It could happen, and it’s all down to us, watching this show week-in like followers at a church!! Hell, Simon Cowell seems to be setting himself and his so called ‘original format’ up as a new Religion altogether!!

Pure Entertainment? Not really. Cheap, Hypnotic Crap?! Indeed. If you can, avoid this Show as much as possible. Don’t get sucked in. Do so and no doubt you will soon be dressing like Simon Cowell and attending secret Cult meetings in which you and several other entranced couch apes gather round a Telly showcasing the latest Episode of Britain’s Got Fleas, whilst stuffing your face with plain crackers and masturbating uncontrollably!! It could happen!!! You have been warned!!

This Week here at TV Wasteland, I'm introducing an additional recommendation for every thing I slag off, or something to avoid if I say nice things!! This Week, TV Wasteland recommends Charlie Brooker's You Have Been Watching (C4). It 's basically a very funny piss take of the latest Telly. If you read this Blog, then this should be your Cup of Tea. Or Coffee. Or Ice Tea. Or...oh, forget it!!!

1 comment:

  1. I like how you've capitalised food and sex, but not breathing. Easily not as important.