And, the Award goes to...!

So, did anyone watch the National Television Awards (or NTA’s, as some prefer to call them, because why say three long words when you can spit out three short letters instead) last Wednesday? I hope you did. It was a fantastic and enjoyable evening of recognition and speech giving, and best of all, pretty much 90% of the winners truly deserved the Awards they received. However, being the over-opinionated and disagreeable bastard that I am, I feel the time is right to pick holes, mock the undeserving winners and those that voted for them, and above all, piss off as many people as possible!! Who knows, I may get an Award for it...so, without further ado, let’s get underway...

The Winner of the Most Popular Factual Drama Gong is probably the one TV Show in existence that makes me want to hurl myself from a tall building (although many others have come close). In fact, it makes me so suicidal that I’ve gone a step further and become homicidal at the same time, by which I mean that I’ll be taking a lot of innocent civilians with me as I step across the final threshold. I’m sure every single bloke with a pair of balls will applaud me for such a protest as well. In case you didn’t know, the Winner was Loose Women, ITV1’s lunchtime bitchfest, in which a bunch of dull female poshos hi-jack the airwaves for a whole hour, and have a good bitch about their Husbands, their Boyfriends, and Men in general, whilst also pretending to give a toss about important issues affecting the UK, such as Global Warming, or the War on Terror, or the rise of Paedophilia, or the imminent invasion of giant outer-space robots, hell-bent on enslaving us in order to conquer the Universe!!

C’mon, you damn dirty apes!!! Loose Women is hardly factual!!!! In essence, it’s the equivalent to a Nazi pep rally, although instead of encouraging racial intolerance, they instead go a step further and promote sexual intolerance (I hear there’s a cream for that now) towards the male species!! If these women had their way, all men would be wiped out, and replaced with blow-up dolls instead!!! So, to anyone who voted for Loose Women in this category, I despise you, and I hope you are now sitting there in your squalid little existence reading this and feeling a huge twang of guilt for what you’ve done, tugging at you like a sex-crazed chimpanzee that just won’t take “No, I’m not into that sort of thing” as an answer!!! Thanks to you, we’re gonna have to endure at least another 10 years of this piece of filth, with its bitching harpies, and its idiotic content, and its satanic burning of scarecrows dressed to represent the male species. Thank you, you dick-less moron!!!

Another idiotic decision by the general public led The X Factor (ITV1) to glory, after they voted it as their Most Popular Talent Show. Talent?!!! Bloody hell, what the hell were they watching?! This Year’s bunch were hardly star finds, any of them, and with the sham that was John & Edward, the whole thing swiftly turned into farce!! The Judges have become walking, talking clichés, with catchphrases so rubbish and ear drum popping, that I’ve got to the point that upon hearing them, I stab myself with a compass. But seriously, anyone who found this year’s X-Factor entertaining should be strapped to a chair and have their Balls electrocuted. That would be far more entertaining. If not for them, then indeed for me!!!

Coronation Street was also soaring this year, with two gongs, including Most Popular Drama Serial. God, I’d near enough forgotten Coronation Street still existed, let alone that it was any good (which, in my opinion, it isn’t). Don’t even bother asking me what’s been going on there, as far as I’m concerned, a Nuclear Bomb could have been dropped on there, unleashing a Nuclear Holocaust, and leaving poor old Norris as the last living Man on the Planet, forced to eat the remains of Sally Webster and David Platt to survive, and I wouldn’t give a toss...partly due to being dead, but I’m sure my Ghost would be just as clueless.

There, rant over. After all, there were indeed some notable and deserving winners in there, amongst them: David Tennant, Gavin & Stacey, and of course, the godlike Stephen Fry, picking up two awards that were without doubt, the most deserving of the Night!! Unfortunately, it seems that this year the idiot force was out in its millions, and by voting for shows such as The X Factor, Loose Women & Coronation Street, they’ve pretty much sealed our doom!!!

In which case, all that leaves me to do is to sit back, have a nice cuppa, and wait for the oncoming end of the universe, which should be any minute n..............................

Bang goes the Theory...!

What have we done to deserve this?!! Does God hate us that much, that he feels the need to torture us?!! And not just through sweet and innocent methods, like thumb-screws or Japanese water torture, oh dear me, no!! No, instead, he decides to go beyond the call of duty, and subject us to the foulest, inhumane torture ever imagined. I talk, dear reader, of the absolutely unrelenting, unstoppable, and downright painful return of The Big Bang Theory (E4), America’s so-called geek Comedy, which follows the lives of four Nerds, as they negotiate the ‘hilarious’ trials and tribulations of fitting in and being cool!! God, it makes me sick just thinking about it!!!

The Format is simple: Four 20-something Physicists live next door to a beautiful girl, and despite their geekiness, manage to form a friendship with her, which leads to all sorts of trouble, as everyone knows that geeks are weird and completely socially inept. Right? WRONG!!!!

The Big Bang Theory is without doubt the biggest pain in my arse, and in some ways, a little bit offensive!! Not in the way that will cause mass protests and riots in the streets, demanding it’s cancellation and erasure from history (tried that, didn’t work, just landed me in the Police cells for a Night, next to a big butch guy called Alan, but that’s a story for another time), but for its stereotypical portrayal of geeks and geek culture. Its use of stereotypical, stock characters is atrocious, and the show comes across as written by a bunch of dumb High School Jocks, as if it’s some kind of cruel High School prank!! Wait scratch that, that’s offensive to the Jocks...at least their capable of writing something understandable and slightly amusing, unlike the stoned chimpanzees that have been hired to pen ‘jokes' for this trash!!!

Gags are often no more than crappy and obvious Star Trek references, shoe horned in to poke fun at the geek’s lack of social prowess and how dumb and useless they are, because they fail to meet the standards of the cool and popular. ‘Oh look, he made a joke about a Batman Cookie Jar, how droll, how absolutely hilarious, Ha-Ha, I’m laughing hard at these social nobodies so much, I may well wet myself, fall out of my chair, and throw myself out of the window, and it’s so funny, I may not do it all in that order!!!!!’ Ladies & Gents, proof that equality is absolute bollocks!!!

For a show that claims to be ‘pro-geek’, it hardly wastes any time in pointing out all of the geek’s flaws, their weird habits, or their lack of social understanding!! In doing this, just to get a few cheap laughs, the writers instantly make the characters unlikeable, brainwash casual viewers into thinking the geeks behaviour is the norm for all other real-life geeks, and manage to piss off every real-life geek on the planet in the process!! I think it’s fair to say that the creators have failed in their mission statement, and deserve to be shot in the testicles, close range, with a bazooka, whilst being wedgied!!! Hey, that’s what really happens to real geeks, right? They get wedgiesd all the time?!! Right?!!!

It doesn’t help matters when you have, without doubt, the most annoying cast in any TV Show ever!!! Seriously, they are that annoying and unconvincing I’ve actually begun fantasising about killing them all, one by one, in various violent and gruesome ways, Se7en style, starting with the pretty one!!! But away from my murderous tendencies, even a blind pensioner who doesn’t watch TV at all can plainly point out how unconvincing the four actors playing the geeks are. Like all US TV, looks come first, and the same applies here!! There isn’t an ugly t**t within a 10 mile radius, which pretty much proves my point!! That’s one thing about geeks I hate to admit to be truth - we aren’t all babe magnets!! Sadly. But then again, I’ve seen uglier football players, so up theirs!!

The Big Bang Theory? A concept that could have been so brilliant, and yet, due to idiotic American producers lack of understanding of true geek culture, rubbish and obvious jokes that merely make the characters appear dumb, annoying and that little bit more punchable, and the pointless use of good looking actors to portray what should be average looking and even ugly characters, all originality, humour and potential is thrown out of the window, and makes a nasty, bloody, spongy mess on the streets below!!!

Here’s hoping the same happens to every actor and crew-member who has ever worked on this disastrous piece of crap!! That way we normal geeks will be spared the continued humiliation that this pile of drivel and lies affords us every day!!!

Looking for Love...!

Remember Blind Date (ITV1)? Of course you do, everyone who isn’t a foetus or dead remembers Blind Date. It was good, clean and cheeky Saturday Night viewing, as a bunch of Ordinary Joes (albeit rather attractive and well-groomed Ordinary Joes) ask three random strangers a bunch of questions, in the hope of finding amongst them that special someone they can share the rest of their life with, breeding offspring and growing old along the way (hopefully in that precise order). It was always fun to watch (even if you had to endure the sight of Cilla Black, a woman so annoying, cheesy and gross to look at that it is highly likely a small culture or religion somewhere has used her image as a visual reference for their version of Satan), and whilst being an obvious example of Car-Crash TV, it was a damn sight more enjoyable then being in an actual car crash!!

However, after 18 Years of keeping the attractive t**t breeding program going strong, Blind Date eventually past on into the Television afterlife, and prospective Neanderthal contestants were forced to fend for themselves in the dating wilderness...until now!!! Yes, ITV has decided desperate times call for desperate measures, resurrected the format, repackaged it, tweaked it, thrown in an army of bimbos who look like a drunken hen-night gone mental, and have also provided the idiotic stripper (without the stripping fortunately). You know what I’m talking about...yes its Take Me Out (ITV1), a brand new take on the dating show genre, that’s been forced upon the unsuspecting Saturday night audience like a Baby upon a party-loving Lad who forgot to put something on the end of it that drunken night, 9 months ago.

Before it even aired, I knew that this was a Show I would hate beyond hatred, a tacky piece of televisual filth that would make me question the point of dating, people, and humanity in general. And thankfully I was right. Its trash...no wait, scrap that, it’s beyond trash, to the point that a still picture of foul, stinking, rotting rubbish would be a more enjoyable piece of broadcasting, and would undoubtedly leave less of a disgusting taste in one’s mouth!!!

For those who haven’t seen this monstrosity , it’s pretty simple. Paddy McGuiness hosts, as 30 single (and frankly desperate) ladies take to the stage, like a pack of rabid hyenas, hungry for some meat, which is soon delivered in the form of a selection of single lads, each looking like a walking, talking shop window dummy, with all the charm, intelligence and charisma of Alex Reid’s excrement. The Lads (or as I like to call them, apes) are then forced to answer a bunch of gruelling, pointless and uninteresting questions about themselves, after which, the Girls decide whether they’re still interested, and slowly the number is whittled down, until either the Lad manages to impress one of them enough that they’d gladly open up and have him there and then, or, more likely and equally more funny, he does or says enough to prove he’s a charmless, arrogant piece of scrotum that all the girls say no. Then he is sent, tail between legs, by Paddy, to take the walk of shame (hopefully ending in a trapdoor that drops him into a giant blender, thereby stopping him from causing anymore harm to women’s perspective of men in general)!!

Watching this piece of garbage is one of the most nauseating things I’ve ever done. And it’s probably one of the few shows I’ve ever watched that has made me shout abuse at the Television set!! Seriously, I called it all sorts of names, and yelled at it so much it started quivering. But then, it deserves it, for thinking that I might find this show even remotely entertaining. Watching a Dog humping a chair would be more visually stimulating, more thought provoking, and above all, entertaining. I couldn’t give a monkeys fart if any of these lowlife scum-buckets manage to bag themselves a girl!! In fact, I hope they remain lonely and poor for the rest of their life. Don’t pity them; they bloody well deserve it for appearing on this show, and for forcing us poor TV Viewers to watch them strut around like absolute ponces!!

So, Take Me Out?! The TV equivalent of going to a disgusting nightclub, and watching absolute knobs pair up with a bunch of uninteresting, boring plastics. If you enjoy that kind of ‘fun’ then you are demented, and this show will be like porn to you, and you will jack off to it every time the theme music comes on, or whenever McGuiness says his crappy catchphrase: “No likey, no lighty”. In which case, you should be on this show. Who knows, you may even find the girl of your dreams. And for that, I pity you...!

So, To Start Us Off...

2009. It went so bloody quickly, didn't it? I mean, maybe it was because 2009 was so eventful, exciting and interesting, but it's more likely down to the fact of me being stuck in front of the Telly for pretty much half of it, like some kind of gross stain on the couch, that refused to budge, even when Mother sprayed about nine bottles of Vanish on it (trust me, that stuff burns like acid).

So, now that 2009 is behind us, and will soon become a distant, forgotten memory, I guess I should attempt to chronicle some of the talking box's recent offerings of 2009, for future generations to discuss, debate, or just ignore. Hopefully the first two, as I'd like to be remembered in years to come, and it's highly unlikely that that golden statue I drew up blueprints for will ever become reality, largely due to me being about as organised and practical as an Ostrich riding a Chimpanzee at the Ascot Races!! But, you're reading this for my thoughts on Telly, not my plans for world domination, so here we go, with my pick of the TV highs and lows of 2009...

First of all, Demons (ITV1), the latest Saturday Night Supernatural Family Drama, from the team behind previous Saturday hit Merlin, proved to be one of the biggest stinkers of the year!! Although starting off with promise, by mid-season, it soon became clear that the only thing it was promising was basic, one dimensional characters; cheesy, predictable storylines; and a tone so disjointed and over the place, that I half suspected that this was orginally commissioned for a much later timeslot, what with the constant swearing, violence and sex references. It also didn't help casting Christian Cooke, Britain's worst ever working actor, as the lead!! Cooke has about as much charm, charisma, talent and warmth as a plank of wood with the words 'Christian Cooke' scrawled on it, and could be easily out-acted by a dead ant. As a result of all this, Demons died miserably and quietly in the corner of the TV Ratings Listings, overshadowed by the much more watchable and deserving BBC3 Supernatural Drama Being Human.

Another piece of crap that the general public were smart enough to avoid like the plague or Gary Glitter, was Lunch Monkeys (BBC3), a 'Sitcom' (if you can call this travesty a Sitcom) following a bunch of teenage no-hopers working in the Administration Dept. of a local Law Firm, who cause hilarious mayhem whatever they do!! Ha-ha-ha, very original, very funny. But seriously, imagine a crossover of The Office and The Inbetweeners. Two very competant, very funny Sitcoms. Then imagine that being held on the ground by butch, balding medical interns, and being given a huge injection of 'humourless and obvious sex/fart jokes' right in the neck. That pretty much sums up this rot, whose creator, if he has any balls, should go and hang himself from the top of the millenium wheel, dressed as David Cameron in a clown costume!! Now that's funny. I'm in tears already just thinking about it!!!

Britains Got Talent (ITV1) returned for another series of idiotic, pompous, talentless losers telling other, idiotic, brainless, demented talentless losers that they are talentless. And apart from Susan Boyle doing her 'thang, and showing the world that we are all feckless, arrogant, book-cover judging arseholes (Yes!! Even You, you Git!!!), there wasn't much else interesting going on, as the whole Boyle fiasco overshadowed everything else!! Overall, BGT was a watchable, albeit draining affair, the three Judges continue to push me towards the point of committing three acts of homicide, and the only real reason to tune in was for all the deluded no-hopers. Forget what I said about the millenium wheel cameron-clown hanging, now this is comedy gold!!!

That's not to say 2009 was a complete epic fail. This year's misses are overshadowed by it's numerous hits,which include: Torchwood (BBC1), Being Human (BBC3), Law & Order UK (ITV1) Misfits (E4), The Inbetweeners (E4), The Apprentice (BBC1), You Have Been Watching (C4), the final Episode of Robin Hood (BBC1), Would I Lie to You (BBC1), and the return of Red Dwarf (Dave), amongst others. These hits pretty much prove that in telly land, a God does exist, albeit an angry, vengeful God, who secretly plots to make us all insane and turn us into his equivelant of Lego figures.

However, if presented with a chance to travel back to 2009 via TARDIS, I think I'll decline, and instead head back to 1920's Britain, where times were simpler, and not governed by the one eyed demon that is Television.

I hear that there's a new fangled contraption thing on the horizon there, known apparently as 'Radio'. Hmmmm...!