Tuesday, 5 January 2010

So, To Start Us Off...

2009. It went so bloody quickly, didn't it? I mean, maybe it was because 2009 was so eventful, exciting and interesting, but it's more likely down to the fact of me being stuck in front of the Telly for pretty much half of it, like some kind of gross stain on the couch, that refused to budge, even when Mother sprayed about nine bottles of Vanish on it (trust me, that stuff burns like acid).

So, now that 2009 is behind us, and will soon become a distant, forgotten memory, I guess I should attempt to chronicle some of the talking box's recent offerings of 2009, for future generations to discuss, debate, or just ignore. Hopefully the first two, as I'd like to be remembered in years to come, and it's highly unlikely that that golden statue I drew up blueprints for will ever become reality, largely due to me being about as organised and practical as an Ostrich riding a Chimpanzee at the Ascot Races!! But, you're reading this for my thoughts on Telly, not my plans for world domination, so here we go, with my pick of the TV highs and lows of 2009...

First of all, Demons (ITV1), the latest Saturday Night Supernatural Family Drama, from the team behind previous Saturday hit Merlin, proved to be one of the biggest stinkers of the year!! Although starting off with promise, by mid-season, it soon became clear that the only thing it was promising was basic, one dimensional characters; cheesy, predictable storylines; and a tone so disjointed and over the place, that I half suspected that this was orginally commissioned for a much later timeslot, what with the constant swearing, violence and sex references. It also didn't help casting Christian Cooke, Britain's worst ever working actor, as the lead!! Cooke has about as much charm, charisma, talent and warmth as a plank of wood with the words 'Christian Cooke' scrawled on it, and could be easily out-acted by a dead ant. As a result of all this, Demons died miserably and quietly in the corner of the TV Ratings Listings, overshadowed by the much more watchable and deserving BBC3 Supernatural Drama Being Human.

Another piece of crap that the general public were smart enough to avoid like the plague or Gary Glitter, was Lunch Monkeys (BBC3), a 'Sitcom' (if you can call this travesty a Sitcom) following a bunch of teenage no-hopers working in the Administration Dept. of a local Law Firm, who cause hilarious mayhem whatever they do!! Ha-ha-ha, very original, very funny. But seriously, imagine a crossover of The Office and The Inbetweeners. Two very competant, very funny Sitcoms. Then imagine that being held on the ground by butch, balding medical interns, and being given a huge injection of 'humourless and obvious sex/fart jokes' right in the neck. That pretty much sums up this rot, whose creator, if he has any balls, should go and hang himself from the top of the millenium wheel, dressed as David Cameron in a clown costume!! Now that's funny. I'm in tears already just thinking about it!!!

Britains Got Talent (ITV1) returned for another series of idiotic, pompous, talentless losers telling other, idiotic, brainless, demented talentless losers that they are talentless. And apart from Susan Boyle doing her 'thang, and showing the world that we are all feckless, arrogant, book-cover judging arseholes (Yes!! Even You, you Git!!!), there wasn't much else interesting going on, as the whole Boyle fiasco overshadowed everything else!! Overall, BGT was a watchable, albeit draining affair, the three Judges continue to push me towards the point of committing three acts of homicide, and the only real reason to tune in was for all the deluded no-hopers. Forget what I said about the millenium wheel cameron-clown hanging, now this is comedy gold!!!

That's not to say 2009 was a complete epic fail. This year's misses are overshadowed by it's numerous hits,which include: Torchwood (BBC1), Being Human (BBC3), Law & Order UK (ITV1) Misfits (E4), The Inbetweeners (E4), The Apprentice (BBC1), You Have Been Watching (C4), the final Episode of Robin Hood (BBC1), Would I Lie to You (BBC1), and the return of Red Dwarf (Dave), amongst others. These hits pretty much prove that in telly land, a God does exist, albeit an angry, vengeful God, who secretly plots to make us all insane and turn us into his equivelant of Lego figures.

However, if presented with a chance to travel back to 2009 via TARDIS, I think I'll decline, and instead head back to 1920's Britain, where times were simpler, and not governed by the one eyed demon that is Television.

I hear that there's a new fangled contraption thing on the horizon there, known apparently as 'Radio'. Hmmmm...!

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