Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Looking for Love...!

Remember Blind Date (ITV1)? Of course you do, everyone who isn’t a foetus or dead remembers Blind Date. It was good, clean and cheeky Saturday Night viewing, as a bunch of Ordinary Joes (albeit rather attractive and well-groomed Ordinary Joes) ask three random strangers a bunch of questions, in the hope of finding amongst them that special someone they can share the rest of their life with, breeding offspring and growing old along the way (hopefully in that precise order). It was always fun to watch (even if you had to endure the sight of Cilla Black, a woman so annoying, cheesy and gross to look at that it is highly likely a small culture or religion somewhere has used her image as a visual reference for their version of Satan), and whilst being an obvious example of Car-Crash TV, it was a damn sight more enjoyable then being in an actual car crash!!

However, after 18 Years of keeping the attractive t**t breeding program going strong, Blind Date eventually past on into the Television afterlife, and prospective Neanderthal contestants were forced to fend for themselves in the dating wilderness...until now!!! Yes, ITV has decided desperate times call for desperate measures, resurrected the format, repackaged it, tweaked it, thrown in an army of bimbos who look like a drunken hen-night gone mental, and have also provided the idiotic stripper (without the stripping fortunately). You know what I’m talking about...yes its Take Me Out (ITV1), a brand new take on the dating show genre, that’s been forced upon the unsuspecting Saturday night audience like a Baby upon a party-loving Lad who forgot to put something on the end of it that drunken night, 9 months ago.

Before it even aired, I knew that this was a Show I would hate beyond hatred, a tacky piece of televisual filth that would make me question the point of dating, people, and humanity in general. And thankfully I was right. Its trash...no wait, scrap that, it’s beyond trash, to the point that a still picture of foul, stinking, rotting rubbish would be a more enjoyable piece of broadcasting, and would undoubtedly leave less of a disgusting taste in one’s mouth!!!

For those who haven’t seen this monstrosity , it’s pretty simple. Paddy McGuiness hosts, as 30 single (and frankly desperate) ladies take to the stage, like a pack of rabid hyenas, hungry for some meat, which is soon delivered in the form of a selection of single lads, each looking like a walking, talking shop window dummy, with all the charm, intelligence and charisma of Alex Reid’s excrement. The Lads (or as I like to call them, apes) are then forced to answer a bunch of gruelling, pointless and uninteresting questions about themselves, after which, the Girls decide whether they’re still interested, and slowly the number is whittled down, until either the Lad manages to impress one of them enough that they’d gladly open up and have him there and then, or, more likely and equally more funny, he does or says enough to prove he’s a charmless, arrogant piece of scrotum that all the girls say no. Then he is sent, tail between legs, by Paddy, to take the walk of shame (hopefully ending in a trapdoor that drops him into a giant blender, thereby stopping him from causing anymore harm to women’s perspective of men in general)!!

Watching this piece of garbage is one of the most nauseating things I’ve ever done. And it’s probably one of the few shows I’ve ever watched that has made me shout abuse at the Television set!! Seriously, I called it all sorts of names, and yelled at it so much it started quivering. But then, it deserves it, for thinking that I might find this show even remotely entertaining. Watching a Dog humping a chair would be more visually stimulating, more thought provoking, and above all, entertaining. I couldn’t give a monkeys fart if any of these lowlife scum-buckets manage to bag themselves a girl!! In fact, I hope they remain lonely and poor for the rest of their life. Don’t pity them; they bloody well deserve it for appearing on this show, and for forcing us poor TV Viewers to watch them strut around like absolute ponces!!

So, Take Me Out?! The TV equivalent of going to a disgusting nightclub, and watching absolute knobs pair up with a bunch of uninteresting, boring plastics. If you enjoy that kind of ‘fun’ then you are demented, and this show will be like porn to you, and you will jack off to it every time the theme music comes on, or whenever McGuiness says his crappy catchphrase: “No likey, no lighty”. In which case, you should be on this show. Who knows, you may even find the girl of your dreams. And for that, I pity you...!

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