Don't be such a Dorothy...!

Saturday Nights are the Holy Day of Television. They always have been and always will. Anyone who knows me will tell you that to see me out and about early on a Saturday Evening is about as plausible as the idea of Gandhi turning out to be a malicious time travelling serial killer who secretly and efficiently murdered prostitutes on the mean streets of London back in the 19th Century. Saturdays are sumptuous, and within the Saturday TV schedules there’s always something that can only be described as ‘miss me not TV’!!! Doctor Who. Merlin. Robin Hood. Total Wipeout. Saturday Night Takeaway. These are just a few of the most recent Saturday Night successes to dominate our screens, and all are brilliant!! But sadly, amongst the few specks of TV Gold Dust are countless spores of deadly Anthrax!!! Television shows so lethal that just watching a mere second of them will leave the viewer a cold, broken, mindless husk, incapable of speech or thought. Hence why I am now sitting comatose in a special Wheelchair, my clothes drenched in my own drool, whilst a super intelligent Chimpanzee writes this and pretends to be me...Banana-Banana-Banana, ooh ahh ahh ahh!!!

The latest clunker to force itself upon the Saturday Schedules like a fat, drunken sex offender upon an unsuspecting young woman in a pub is Over the Rainbow (BBC1), the latest of Musical legend Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s search for a new West End Musical Star. This time he’s searching for a Dorothy (but not that kind. Bad luck, John Barrowman!!) for his Musical production of The Wizard of Oz. So he’s kidnapped a bunch of talented yet ordinary young women, dressed them up in all manner of sexy Outfits, and forces them to sing live on BBC One for Millions to see, before eventually evicting the weakest singer, sending them to an executioner waiting silently off screen wielding an Axe!!

OK, so maybe that isn’t entirely true. But it’s the only way to make this Show sound interesting. I’m not a hater of Musical Theatre. In fact I adore it, but this Show merely cheapens the entire Theatre Industry by turning the production of a Theatre Production into a weekly bitch fight, as fame hungry lasses battle it out for King Gollum’s approval, not giving a toss about who is voted off that particular week, just as long as it isn’t them. That said, they prove themselves brilliant actresses –when a potential rival is voted out, all the remaining contestants manage to cry crocodile tears on cue...someone give them an Oscar. Or at least a Hanky!!

There is genuine Singing Talent on display here. All the Finalists are talented to the point that they may eventually become ‘too talented’ and MI:5 will have to dispatch highly trained Assassins to ‘quiet them down’. However, the Show is let down by dreadful choices in terms of the Judging Panel!! Anyone who thinks it’s a good idea to have Charlotte Church judging people on their singing abilities deserves to die an agonizing death involving Lions and Explosives, whilst Webber is a miserable git, although that may be because any attempt at smiling will pull his ugly, fragile face apart at the seams.

Saturday Night TV is for Entertainment and Enjoyment. This Show sadly hardly delivers either. It’s a mockery of the Theatre Industry (the General Public cannot be trusted to vote for brilliant singers, just look at the Jedward fiasco during last year’s X-Factor) and in terms of Entertainment Value, lacks any hint of originality or appeal. The Talent Show controlled by the Public Format is an idea that’s been done to death now, not just by the BBC but by every single bloody TV Channel desperate for easy Ratings!!

Please BBC, come up with something fun and original, and give me my Saturday’s back. Otherwise I’m gonna have to go out and socialise with people. And neither of us wants that...!