Tuesday, 20 April 2010


Every now and then, there comes a moment when History is made. The extinction of the Dinosaurs, World War I, World War II, the Watergate Scandal, the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the release of Star Wars. All moments of significant importance, that should quite rightly be remembered forever. And the latest to join the ranks of significant events is none other than The First Election Debate (ITV1). Hardly first class entertainment, but a moment that should quite rightly be documented and archived for all future generations to see. That’s unless the Alien Invasion is imminent, in which case, save the recordings of Tom Baker’s entire run of Doctor Who first (don’t look at me like that. They are most definitely more deserving).

I’m not a highly political person. I can barely remember the name of our Prime Minister, for Christ’s sake (Brown summink or other, I think). Yet despite having about as much political know how as a group of Politicians (SATIRE!!!), even I felt obliged to tune in and watch TV History in the making. And I also felt obliged to tune in just in case it all kicked off, resulting in David Cameron beating Gordon Brown to death with his own Microphone, whilst Brown tries in vain to strangle Cameron with his own ugly, vomit inducing Blue Tie, as Nick Clegg silently watches from the sidelines, rubbing his hands with glee at the sight of seeing his greatest enemies finish each other off in gory fashion!! Sadly, I was robbed of this Television Extravaganza, and instead had to endure a whole 90 Minutes of straight talking. Talking?!!! TALKING?!!!! Bloody hell, next they’ll be shaking hands and start being civil towards one another!! OH GOD, THEY’VE ONLY GONE AND BLOODY DONE THAT AS WELL!!!

Let’s be honest. It was hardly the most exciting TV Event of this Year. Important, yes. But enjoyable?! Hardly. You will no doubt argue that it achieved what it set out to do, and I’m not disagreeing with you. But in terms of entertainment value, it was hardly the Dog’s Bollocks, was it?! Hell, it wasn’t even worthy of being the Ant’s Bollocks, and as far as I know, they don’t even have any!!!

Instead of a full on debate, it was all above board, controlled and sleep inducing!! My God, if Cameron tells one more bloody story about who he met whilst campaigning, I’m gonna bloody march over to Westminster and let his Arse meet my Steel Toe-Capped Boot!!! As for Brown, whilst coming across more friendly and likeable then recent Interviews and News Footage would have you believe, there’s still no getting away from his sheer lack of common sense!! Nick Clegg on the other hand, came across brilliantly, giving the Lib-Dems a much needed and brilliant moment in the limelight (other Political Parties are available), and proved himself a worthy challenger to Laurel and Hardy, who happened to be standing next to him throughout entire the debate (SATIRE!!!).

Planning on voting in the General Election?!! Well, heed my advice and don’t base your judgement upon this!! It’s all Spin, albeit well performed Spin, but Spin none the less. As I said, I’m hardly political, but seriously, I know not to base my choices upon what I see on the Talking Box!! Entertainment wise, avoid this, it will melt your brain to the point that you will become a walking Hot Drinks dispenser, dispensing Hot, Thick Liquid from your Ears when someone squeezes your nose!! If you must watch (you know, to like, decide who to vote for and shit) then take a tip from me (and my Friends, who are all so much more cleverer then me to came up with this), and liven things up with a Drinking Game!! Every time Cameron bullshits, every time Brown stutters, every time Clegg gets angry, every time an argument starts to arise and is instantly quelled, then swig a few shots!! Trust me, by 30 Minutes in, you’ll think you’re an American Patriot living in the 18th Century!! And you will feel all the better because of it!!

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