Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Bite Me...!

The World needs a lot of things right now. A Cure for Cancer. World Peace. A Second Season of Firefly. But if there’s one thing we sure as hell don’t need, it’s yet another Twilight TV cash-in. That’s right; the Big Television Execs have decided that there are simply not enough Vampire related TV Shows & Movies being forced upon us poor, helpless viewers, and therefore believe they have presented us with something resembling salvation, like giving Food to a poor, hungry orphan. But in reality, what they’ve done is more on a par with the idea of giving a paraplegic a pair of Stilts. Basically, dumb as hell!!! Yes folks, for your viewing displeasure, it’s yet another crappy Twilight rip-off – behold, The Vampire Diaries (ITV2).

For those lucky enough not to have watched this utter piece of televisual garbage, you are lucky. And therefore, it pains me to even just explain the basic plot. However, I must, because as many people as is humanly possible must be warned of this terrible excuse for absolute crap!!! You only have to read below, to draw comparisons between Twilight and Diaries, and understand how crap and unoriginal the show is. Here’s the basic plot of The Vampire Diaries:

1. There’s a normal, average teenage Girl, who is constantly miserable & brooding, and has an expression of having a pencil stuck up her arse.

2. Girl notices hot new mysterious guy at school, who is mysteriously mysterious, who also looks like he has a HB lodged in his rectum...blimey, their made for each other!!!! Oh, did I mention he was mysterious?!

3. Naturally, Pencil-Arse Girl is attracted to Pencil-Arse Boy and they flirt a bit (and by flirt, I mean they give each other pained stares and fail to finish a sentence without looking at the other, and then turning their head in embarrassment when the other notices their looking at them.

4. However, it turns out Pencil-Arse Boy is secretly a Vampire!! Holy Shit!!! But don’t worry, he’s still Hot, and mysterious, and he doesn’t drink human blood. Cos he’s very mysterious.

5. But uh-oh, looks like Pencil-Arse Boy has a Brother...an evil Brother!!! Who drinks human blood!! And he’s very mysterious!!!

Sound familiar?! If you read all that and are rather intrigued, then you should head into a quiet room in your house, take that double barrelled shotgun, shove it where the sun don’t shine, and pull the trigger. Because The Vampire Diaries is without doubt the biggest pile of bollocks I’ve ever set eyes on. There’s not an original idea in there!! It’s a hollow mess, just like Paris Hilton’s Brain!! There’s nothing, just static, an empty airless space!!! Vampires have been done to death, whether through brilliant TV Shows like Being Human, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and True Blood, or through dead air productions such as Blood Ties. The Vampire Diaries falls directly into the latter category. If you’re gonna create a new Vampire-centric Show, then at least attempt to come up with an original idea, don’t just leech off of the latest passing fad for all your ideas. And that doesn’t just count for Vampire related shows either.

It’s not just the Vampire element that grates!! Being a US Teen Drama is equally un-endearing, and infuriating to watch. Everyone is amazingly beautiful!! It’s like if the Town in which the Show is set has some kind of Nazi-like Master-Race Breeding program going on!!! It’s easy to believe that in these sorts of Shows that ugly or normal looking people are strangled at birth!!! The other problem with this is that (surprisingly) pretty people can’t always act very well. In fact, all they do is pull a brooding yet pretty) face and mumble a bit, like a stoned Hippo!! And thus realism goes out of the window!!! Goodbye Realism, try not to make too much of a mess on the pavement below!!!

Had enough of Vampires?!! Well, after watching this miserable excuse for a TV Drama, it’s fair to say that not only have I given up on the Vampire Genre, but also Life itself. This Show is the nadir of Teen Fantasy drama. It’s terribly written, terribly cast, terribly directed, and terribly terrible!! And sadly, because a majority of teenage viewers are idiots, like a Goldfish obsessed with its own reflection in the glass of its Bowl, its future is assured. Grrrr!!!!

Someone pass me the Stake, that Holy Water, and that clove of Garlic. And a Bucket as well. Things are gonna get messy.

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