Teenage Dirtbags...!

Is that the sound of 30 Million Teenagers cheering, wailing, and generally being annoying ponces that I hear?!! Well, it’s either that, or it’s the annual Mental Institution Picnic Party again. But I highly doubt it. I mean, after how the last one turned out, you’d think that would prove that raving murderous lunatics and Public Dog Walking Areas don’t mix. Yuk, what a mess that turned out to be!!! Dogs definitely don’t make good Frisbees.

You may be wondering where this is going? Well, to be honest, so am I. This instalment of TV Wasteland could well lead to my mysterious disappearance in the middle of the night, my secret assassination in a deserted warehouse with a bag over my head, and (hopefully) dozens of conspiracy theories regarding the how and why of my fate!! So forgive me for stringing this along as much as possible, but I want to live as long as possible, even if it kills me!!!

So, let’s get down to it, then. This Week saw the eagerly awaited return of Skins; E4’s award Winning Teen Drama, returning for its Fourth Series, and naturally, every social networking site on the Internet was awash with comments of squealing pubescent Girls (and Boys as well, I am in no ways sexist), exclaiming their delight and worship at the build up towards the new series!! Whilst they probably thought their constant championing of Skins was justified and innocent, to be truly honest, it felt more like having that annoying drunken chick at a Party continuously shouting in your ear about how sexy she feels compared to you, before collapsing and puking into your lap, leaving you sitting there feeling abused, awkward and deaf!!

So by the time Skins finally aired, I’d already had it up to my teeth with the damn thing!!! Settling down to watch Episode One, I prepared to watch with an open mind, even though my mind was filled with everyone else’s stupid comments. But honestly, 3 million annoying teenagers can’t be wrong, can they?!

Well, here’s where things get controversial. Because in all honesty, I liked it, but it was hardly the Dog’s Bollocks that everyone else had claimed it to be. The opening nightclub scene intrigued, Pandora & Thomas’s break-up was painful and heart-breaking, and there is no doubt that actor Merveille Lukeba delivered nothing less than a 100% spot on performance. However, like pretty much every episode of Skins before it, the episode swiftly fell into that old routine of over the top set-pieces (the new headmaster is perhaps one of the most annoying and unconvincing creations ever, and the hospital sex scene was absolutely idiotic – if this were the real world, they’d have been caught at it, and given a good beating); obvious plotting (it was so obvious that Thomas was gonna cheat, don’t act all surprised); Main Characters who are all merely ciphers, stereotypical characters with little bits of interesting aspects added on, but stereotypes none the less; and a soundtrack so depressing that jumping out of that window in my third floor room looked mighty tempting!! I wondered for ages why I wasn’t enjoying what was apparently meant to be the greatest TV Show ever made. Was I perhaps genetically wrong?!! And then it hit me...

You see, my problem is, that on an emotional level, I fail to see the attraction that Skins has. I fail to connect with the characters and their problems, which is the shows biggest flaw, because I’m a Teenager, and I’m meant to connect with them!! But I don’t. Skins is just too OTT and in-your-face for me to feel anything towards it, apart from confusion and loneliness. It just doesn’t seem real enough to me.

Shows like Teen Comedy The Inbetweeners (E4) or even BBC Fantasy Drama Merlin, on the other hand, capture the spirit of youth so much more subtly, which makes them that little bit more accessible and easier to relate to. The loneliness, the awkwardness and the emotion of teen-hood, that inability to fit in, that sense of confusion and lack of belonging, are conveyed much better in these two shows through humour, action, subtle dialogue and, in Merlin’s case, without the use of gratuitous sex and swearing. Skins bashes you in the face with teenage drama and angst repeatedly, like Gene Hunt smashing in some armed blagger with a crow bar, whilst these other shows prefer to gently sooth the metaphors and emotions into your finely proportioned cheeks, like rubbing in sun lotion on a Hot Summer’s Day.

So, there we have it. I don’t enjoy Skins, simply for the reason that I fail to find anything there to keep me hooked. Please don’t take too much offence. I have nothing against Skins, but to be honest folks, there is much better stuff on the box.

Well, I’m glad we got that out of the way. I feel all the more better for that now. Time to sit back and relax, nothing to fret about, just gonna...

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK.

Oh, that was the door. Better answer it, could be someone important...!