Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Ice to See You...!

Whilst the Weather outside is about as delightful as the thought of getting bear hugged by Jackie Stallone in an airplane toilet whilst crashing towards the polar ice caps, the alternative (sitting indoors watching the Telly) is just about as bleak and nightmarish (especially if Jackie Stallone is on TV that particular night...should I drop this now?!). But none are as bleak as Dancing on Ice(ITV1), which just wrapped up its Fifth Series on Sunday. Praise the Sky Bully that it’s finally over!!

OK, so it isn’t exactly the dramatic downfall of Human intelligence that I’ve made it out to be. But it is boring beyond belief, and the fact that it’s made it to a fifth series must surely have something to do with a pact made between ITV Execs and Satan himself!! The first series was watchable enough, but that was largely down to Holly Willoughby’s low cut tops more than anything else, if the papers are to be believed. And yes, seeing annoying, washed up Celebrities ice skating is rather funny, especially when they fall over and plant their smug, punchable faces upon the cold, hard ground. But if that’s as far as its appeal goes, then it really isn’t worth the effort.

It would help if there were any worthwhile celebs actually appearing on the show...but unfortunately, the richer and more famous celebs appear to be a degree smarter than we actually give them credit for, so instead we have to make do with a bunch of soap stars that no one will remember six months down the line; Simon Cowell’s personal aide (because apparently Simon Cowell is now god, not just a showbiz mongrel who thinks he’s god, so there now has to be some sort of reference to him on every ITV show, lest we forget this); the GMTV Doctor (who probably thought she was just going to be on the sidelines in case poor Bobby Davro cut his face open with his own Skate); and Gordon Ramsay’s Wife (old Gordo must have been too busy making a decent TV Show to take part)!! Oh, and also there’s that screaming, back stabbing Harpy who married Paul McCartney from The Beatles. You know, the one with the wooden leg?! It’s Dancing on Ice, love, not Hopping on Ice.

Anyway, jokes aimed at the physically handicapped out of the way, we move on to the judges...and my god they’ve scraped bottom of the barrel so hard this year that they’re halfway to Australia. Every Year they add a new judge to proceedings, and you’d think they’d add someone with a little bit of knowledge about Ice Dancing to the panel. But no, they only go and add Emma ‘Baby Spice’ Bunton instead. That’s right, Emma Bloody Bunton!!! I feel sorry for the contestants now – if I had to have a bloody Spice Girl tell me how to dance, I’d probably impale myself on my own Skating Blades, right there in front of her. And I’d bloody well make sure that plenty of my Blood would splatter her!! Right in the face. That’ll learn her. Bloody Spice Girls; think they’re God’s gift to the universe, grumble-grumble...

But honestly, I really can’t understand why so many people watch this week in, week out. Yes, it’s different to many of the other Celeb Talent Shows on telly, but still, it’s repetitive and stale. Torvill & Dean are brilliant Ice Dancers, but they are merely cheapening their profession by attaching themselves to this crap!! One series was fine, but sadly, in TV World, you milk an idea for all it’s worth, and now each new series of Dancing on Ice feels exactly the same as the previous...there’s nothing new. The routines remain the same each year, and whilst every year you get a new set of Celebs, it’s always a bunch of ITV Soap actors who you’ve never heard of, or a Celeb whose career died the same time as the Dinosaurs!!

What has this Show got to offer (apart from Holly Willoughby’s cleavage)?!!! You want the answer? Nothing. Jack Squat. Dead Air and nothing else. There’s nothing new each series, just a very samey format that has been stretched about as far as it can go, and yet is more than likely to be stretched even further until it breaks, like a piece of Blue Tac. And even then, they still won’t cancel the bloody show for another three years!!! So if it’s originality and fresh ideas you’re channel hopping for, then leave this junk well alone. It will only end in extreme boredom and possibly suicide!!

However, if they want to try something original, maybe they could do a spin off?!! Dancing on Fire, perhaps?! Sounds like it could work. Let’s see Heather Mills survive that one!!

Burn, Bitch, BUUURRNN!!!

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