And, the Award goes to...!

So, did anyone watch the National Television Awards (or NTA’s, as some prefer to call them, because why say three long words when you can spit out three short letters instead) last Wednesday? I hope you did. It was a fantastic and enjoyable evening of recognition and speech giving, and best of all, pretty much 90% of the winners truly deserved the Awards they received. However, being the over-opinionated and disagreeable bastard that I am, I feel the time is right to pick holes, mock the undeserving winners and those that voted for them, and above all, piss off as many people as possible!! Who knows, I may get an Award for it...so, without further ado, let’s get underway...

The Winner of the Most Popular Factual Drama Gong is probably the one TV Show in existence that makes me want to hurl myself from a tall building (although many others have come close). In fact, it makes me so suicidal that I’ve gone a step further and become homicidal at the same time, by which I mean that I’ll be taking a lot of innocent civilians with me as I step across the final threshold. I’m sure every single bloke with a pair of balls will applaud me for such a protest as well. In case you didn’t know, the Winner was Loose Women, ITV1’s lunchtime bitchfest, in which a bunch of dull female poshos hi-jack the airwaves for a whole hour, and have a good bitch about their Husbands, their Boyfriends, and Men in general, whilst also pretending to give a toss about important issues affecting the UK, such as Global Warming, or the War on Terror, or the rise of Paedophilia, or the imminent invasion of giant outer-space robots, hell-bent on enslaving us in order to conquer the Universe!!

C’mon, you damn dirty apes!!! Loose Women is hardly factual!!!! In essence, it’s the equivalent to a Nazi pep rally, although instead of encouraging racial intolerance, they instead go a step further and promote sexual intolerance (I hear there’s a cream for that now) towards the male species!! If these women had their way, all men would be wiped out, and replaced with blow-up dolls instead!!! So, to anyone who voted for Loose Women in this category, I despise you, and I hope you are now sitting there in your squalid little existence reading this and feeling a huge twang of guilt for what you’ve done, tugging at you like a sex-crazed chimpanzee that just won’t take “No, I’m not into that sort of thing” as an answer!!! Thanks to you, we’re gonna have to endure at least another 10 years of this piece of filth, with its bitching harpies, and its idiotic content, and its satanic burning of scarecrows dressed to represent the male species. Thank you, you dick-less moron!!!

Another idiotic decision by the general public led The X Factor (ITV1) to glory, after they voted it as their Most Popular Talent Show. Talent?!!! Bloody hell, what the hell were they watching?! This Year’s bunch were hardly star finds, any of them, and with the sham that was John & Edward, the whole thing swiftly turned into farce!! The Judges have become walking, talking clichés, with catchphrases so rubbish and ear drum popping, that I’ve got to the point that upon hearing them, I stab myself with a compass. But seriously, anyone who found this year’s X-Factor entertaining should be strapped to a chair and have their Balls electrocuted. That would be far more entertaining. If not for them, then indeed for me!!!

Coronation Street was also soaring this year, with two gongs, including Most Popular Drama Serial. God, I’d near enough forgotten Coronation Street still existed, let alone that it was any good (which, in my opinion, it isn’t). Don’t even bother asking me what’s been going on there, as far as I’m concerned, a Nuclear Bomb could have been dropped on there, unleashing a Nuclear Holocaust, and leaving poor old Norris as the last living Man on the Planet, forced to eat the remains of Sally Webster and David Platt to survive, and I wouldn’t give a toss...partly due to being dead, but I’m sure my Ghost would be just as clueless.

There, rant over. After all, there were indeed some notable and deserving winners in there, amongst them: David Tennant, Gavin & Stacey, and of course, the godlike Stephen Fry, picking up two awards that were without doubt, the most deserving of the Night!! Unfortunately, it seems that this year the idiot force was out in its millions, and by voting for shows such as The X Factor, Loose Women & Coronation Street, they’ve pretty much sealed our doom!!!

In which case, all that leaves me to do is to sit back, have a nice cuppa, and wait for the oncoming end of the universe, which should be any minute n..............................